How Food Spices Up la Langue Française

My dive into France’s linguistic obsession with food began with the summer shoe sales.

This dazzling array pulled us into the shoe store – and launched an exploration into the French language.

Twelve-year-old Lolo and I were meandering recently through the narrow streets of old Antibes, where the right-footed inventories of its shoe stores were displayed out front. The famous French sales had begun. The shoes dazzled, grouped by size and stuck with colourful dots that corresponded with the markdown: 20% or 40% or 70%. Lolo and I weren’t spending money. We were saving it.

We each found a pair of sandals. Mine came from the size 38 table. Hers came from the array of 39s. For the first time, my offspring’s size overtook mine.

It has been coming for a while. Years ago Lolo’s doctor in Toronto predicted that around the age of 12, she would reach her mother’s height – and keep on going. And while I still have a blessed centimeter on my daughter, I find myself standing up taller in family photographs.

A couple years ago a blog post from Kristin Espinasse’s French Word-A-Day winged into my inbox during a family ski trip. Manger la soupe sur la tête de quelqu’un: The phrase resonated.

Let’s hope not, I thought. I didn’t want anyone eating soup off my head. Even if the person taller than I was – as the saying implied – was my kid.

Soup could be on my menu, as long as no one eats it on my head. Photo: paperblog.fr

Lolo, my francophone, was busy fueling up for the morning’s slopes. She already knew the French phrase, she said.

I, of course, had never heard it so gave the words a little practice. “Aujourd’hui, Maman peut manger la soupe sur la tête de Lolo,” I said at the breakfast table in a ripe Anglo accent, ”mais bientôt, Lolo pourra manger la soupe sur la tête de Maman.” Today, I can eat soup on Lolo’s head, but soon. . . .

Yes, Lolo agreed. I had it right in all senses.

It was hardly the first time I’d heard food enter the French lexicon to describe a situation that had nothing to do with eating. In many ways it’s unsurprising. French food ranks among the finest in the world, and the pursuit of the Michelin star in this land often remains an elusive, life-long dream. France’s love affair with food filters into cooking and eating at less exalted levels, too.

Paired with an egg, it has become Lolo’s summertime crave.

Last summer my friend Véro introduced Lolo to her favourite French meal, which centers on a store-bought package of Lustucru-brand Gnocchi à Poêler. I began making the gnocchi following the simple directions on the back of the bag. Melt butter in a frying pan; seal the potato dumplings on high heat; lower the heat and cover until the gnocchi are soft on the inside. Then, like Véro, I pair the pan-fried gnocchi with an egg over-easy. The yolk makes a perfect dip.

This summer I’ve learned that in a French household, even a simple recipe like this one deserves better. One evening as Véro whipped up a batch of Gnocchi à Poêler for her daughter and mine, she explained that I must prepare the pan with Such-and-Such, a blend of four particular oils.

I’d never heard of it.

And she insisted that the eggs must be fresh from the market that day.

A good North American, I store a dozen eggs in my fridge. Just in case I decide to make six batches of brownies. Or in case my family decides to pop in for breakfast from Chicago.

Food – whatever its level of splendour – is a big deal in France. It makes sense that this sentiment seeps into the language.

It’s a particularly French way to lead the troops – or maybe not.

Take junk food. Larousse, a classic French dictionary, won’t even elevate “junk food” to phrase-status. To this publishing house, junk food is simply la nourriture de mauvaise qualité. Food of poor quality. Other dictionaries bestow junk food with the name la malbouffe, where mal is “bad” or “evil,” and bouffer is a more vulgar verb for “to eat” – more along the lines of “to chow down” or “to stuff yourself.” Or taking yet another tack: Manger des cochonneries means “to eat junk food” – while, just to cement the perception of the food category, dire des cochonneries is “to talk dirty.”

Food also cooks up some colourful French idioms:

Je suis dans le potage,” Véro wrote to me in an email late one evening, knowing I’d like the turn of phrase. Fortunately she wasn’t sitting in a bowl of soup. I found a dictionary. She was merely in a bit of a mess.

Who wouldn’t eat a mountain of this?

This beauty came up one day at my Alliance Française class in Toronto: Mettre les pieds dans le plat (“to put your feet in the dish (of food)”). It’s apparently the French way of putting your foot in your mouth. “Le plat is worse than la bouche,” Jean-François insisted. “You have to be supple.”

My long-time French instructor approaches his native tongue with an equal mix of love and irreverence. It spices up the classroom conversation – while sharing out an uncanny number of French phrases that involve food.

Mener à la baguette (“to lead with a long stick of French bread”) was a phrase Jean-François scrawled on the white board a while back. To boss someone around. I loved the imagery from the start. Only recently did I discover that a lesser-known meaning of baguette is “chopstick” – or, indeed, “baton.”

Boire le vin jusqu’à la lie (“to drink wine until the dregs”) is a particularly French way to prod someone to finish what they begin.

Jean-Francois’ personal favourite, I think, is un pot-de-vin (“a jar of wine”). More than once he has mentioned this peculiarly French way of saying “a bribe.”

At least the grosse légume can be colourful.

As wine and baguettes blend their way into French phraseology, we simply need the cheese. But worry not. En faire tout un fromage (“to make such a cheese”) is how the French make a mountain out of a molehill. It seems an odd way to sully the good name of cheese, but on introspection, calling your Anglophone boss “the big cheese” doesn’t make sense either. (In France, the boss is la grosse légume. The big vegetable.)

 Meanwhile, the summer pushes on and Lolo continues to adore her gnocchi. And her sleep – lots of deep, dreaming sleep. Sprinkled with a healthy dose of exercise and Côte d’Azur sunshine, I fear my leggy tween will overtake my height before we return to Toronto for the start of school.

The last thing I’ll be offering her this summer in France, then, is soup. I don’t want to give her any ideas.

* * *

P.S. What French-language food phrases can you share?

Ten Ways You Know You’re in the South of France

Philippe, Lolo and I are driving into nearby Cannes one afternoon, chatting away about something or other, when the insistent voice of Waze breaks in.

“Wait!” I say. “What did she just say?” We pipe down inside the car, a bubble of calm amid the raging Côte d’Azur traffic surrounding us. We wait in silence for the female voice of our navigation app to repeat her command as the upcoming roundabout draws closer.

“Take the first exit on Boulevard de la One-E-Division Frances Libra,” she directs from my husband’s cell.

Philippe steers into the rondpoint’s first exit as I roar, “Boulevard One-E what?” At last I share a vehicle in this land with someone whose French is worse than mine!

As we cruise along the One-E, I drill down on the car’s navigation screen. The thoroughfare’s name comes into focus: Boulevard de la 1ère Division Française Libre.

“Oh, I get it! One-E is Première! And Frances Libra is Française Libre!”

“Thankfully we have someone to translate,” Lolo says from the back seat of the car. A bilingual tweenager will never appreciate my hard-won Franglais.

Waze has become more hilarious than helpful in France. Sometimes, I guess, the same could be said of my tween.

But Waze isn’t the only way I’m reminded that we’ve crossed the Atlantic to rejoin our summertime tribe in the South of France. That’s the beauty of living part-time in one place, part-time in another. The Rivera’s beloved (and often entertaining) quirks reemerge as I settle in. Here are ten more ways I know we’ve arrived:

  1. Fluffed and fancy, Yoko has become a first-class citizen in France.

    I’ve been told off by the dog groomer. Brigitte, our take-charge toiletteuse, happily welcomed Yoko back for her summer cut by lambasting her owners: Your dog is two kilos trop grosse! Never mind that our miniature poodle was fully checked out in Toronto before getting her oh-so-important travel papers. The Canadian vet called it “a little winter weight.” Brigitte preferred a different phrase. “Elle a le cœur qui baigne dans la graisse!” she declared. The visual of my Yoko’s heart bathing in a vat of fat, a horrifying steak of Waygu beef, is enough for me to follow Brigitte’s command. We’ve begun feeding our mini poodle steamed zucchini or green beans in place of half her croquettes. Croquettes. Even the dog food sounds more appetizing in France.

  2. Yoko has become a first-class citizen. All fancy and coiffed, she expects to go wherever we go. She’s welcome in stores. Waiters at restaurants bring Yoko bowls of chilled water at the same time as they bring her humans their drinks. At Lucky Break Coffee, a newish café in Antibes, they allow her inside and give her free dog treats. Don’t tell Brigitte.
  3. Nantes’ bus drivers found a way to beat the heat – and the rules. Photo: lenouvelhommeinvisible

    The morning news has become more colourful. In neighbouring Saint-Laurent-du-Var, a man’s $40,000 watch was ripped from his wrist while he drove a Ferrari. On the other side of the country in Nantes, where residents suffered an unusual heat wave, male bus drivers demanded the right to wear shorts on the job by donning skirts.

  4. The adverts get a little shocking, too. Riviera Radio, the Anglophone station out of Monaco that reaches listeners “from San Remo to Saint-Tropez, and all the way out to sea,” recently carried an ad for Starbucks. Have you ever heard an ad for Starbucks? For anyone new to the superpower, it sells a wide range of food, too.
  5. Still, miles of rosé greet you on entering a typical grocery store.

    In the name of former resident Scott Fitzgerald and les Années folles (the Roaring Twenties – or literally, “the Crazy Years”), the Côte d’Azur apéritif again pushes the envelope. The area’s hallmark drink may be the rosé piscine – and I have enjoyed a fair few glasses of rosé with ice cubes bobbing around since landing this summer – but the new thing is apparently a champagne piscine. I’ve never felt too badly diluting my rosé; even a top-notch bottle won’t break the bank. But champagne? Piscin-ing it feels like sacrilege.

  6. Also reminding me that I’m here: A sales clerk was rude to me. A young man actually rolled his eyes and expelled a deep breath into our shared air space, a narrow patch over a tall counter, when I asked a simple question about his presentation on the various cartes SIM available this summer. I was mulling the options for both Lolo and my cellphones: local SIM cards versus international ones, Lolo’s tween needs versus my own. At the same time, I was digesting the 20- versus 30-Euro packages while silently wondering where in the world last year’s multi-month deal went. All in my non-native French. Then I dared ask this client-facing employee to remind me what, exactly, was illimité in the 20-Euro deal. Needless to say, he hardly told me to “Have a Nice Day” on the way out.

    The fig tree is flourishing.
  7. These little treasures have appeared in our garden. It has been an absolutely bumper year for the figuier – and summer hasn’t even started.
  8. People still complain about the government. The international press may discuss Emmanuel Macron’s elevation as France’s new Président in broadly optimistic terms, but the locals still aren’t happy. Macron, they insist, is the bébé of François Hollande, the highly unpopular former-Président. The selection of candidates this time was too limité. Which is unlike the SMS allowance on Lolo’s 20-Euro carte SIM.
  9. Tout est possible. Everything is possible. But truth be told, I found this French graffiti a few weeks ago – in Toronto.

    In stores where the attendants are a lot nicer, the summer pre-sales are on. They sneak into high street shops in advance of the real sales, which will roll out uniformly in one big hurrah, like a long-awaited Christmas Day. The real sales will start on a governmentally prescribed Wednesday, and then smack, the regular prices will return to stores’ tags on Wednesday, six weeks later. I’m truly not a shopper, but there’s something too alluring about a bright sea of right-footed shoes, grouped by size and marked bewitchingly with little round, colour-coded stickers that correspond with the markdown’s generosity. 20% off? 50%? 70%? Flip the right shoe and win.

  10. It’s two bises, and only two bises. There is resolutely no hugging involved when you gently exchange two cheek-kisses in a traditional French greeting. Seeing Lolo’s long-time, tween-aged friend for the first time this summer, I stooped to donner les bises – and suddenly recognized my faux pas. Petite Clo stood soldier-like, the compliant recipient of my two bises, while I discovered my left arm wrapped around her pretty little shoulders like a boa constrictor. But ever-conscious of protocol (unlike my own North American-bred tween), Clo knew it would’ve been impolie to resist.

For better or worse, these attributes and idiosyncrasies make me stop and admire that the world has not gone global. Dorothy is, so to speak, no longer in Kansas, and she knows it. I cherish our countries’ differences and adapt to fit in – much of the time, anyway.

That said, there’s a bit of teaching we must do in the opposite direction, too. I recently heard these words on Riviera Radio in the run-up to Canada’s 150th celebrations: “We like Canada. It’s like America but with the Queen on their bank note.”

And with that last gem, French Lessons braces itself for a flood of polite, Canadian outrage.

The Côte d’Azur: Our Ritual Return

N’inquiétez-vous pas, the young man at Nice’s Côte d’Azur airport said. He didn’t need to see Yoko’s papers. Never mind that eight people, a veterinary clinic and a Canadian federal agency had united in preparing the dog’s papers for her entry into France. Our French poodle was most welcome.

The French poodle – even before her overdue haircut – was extremely welcome back in France.

The passports of Philippe, 12-year-old Lolo and me – the three humans in our party – received cursory glances. It was, after all, past midnight, smack in the middle of a French Riviera weekend. And we were arriving from cozy Canada.

Bellevue’s old wooden door uttered its distinctive groan as we stepped into our Cap d’Antibes home of nearly 12 years. Its cool marble floors shone; the air inside was light and fresh. It was gone 1:00 a.m., but I couldn’t help myself. The WIFI worked. It actually worked.

An hour later I slid under fresh sheets, lulled into the belief that, at last, we’d won the battle. We’d managed a seamless transition into our summer lives in the Côte d’Azur from our rest-of-the-year lives in Toronto.

How silly I am. Life here has never unfurled effortlessly. Coaxed as I am by the moist, sweet air of the Côte d’Azur and the splendid sunshine that shimmers on everyone else’s sweating glasses of rosé piscine, why should a homeowner ever – even just this once – expect to unpack her luggage and slip gracefully, Grace Kelly-style, into a summer holiday?

World War I started with a single shot.

The route back to reality started with a simple clock radio. World War I began with a single shot, didn’t it? The first morning back at Bellevue, we discovered Lolo’s clock radio was fried. Surely it had fallen victim to the electrical surges common within the area’s old distribution networks.

“I’ll just have the same one again,” she said. I thanked my stars for her nonchalance. Rather than brave the Côte d’Azur’s congested roads and shops on the first day back, I pulled out my computer.

Darty.com is France’s answer to Best Buy. They even offered free home delivery.

Joy infused my fingertips. After years of bemoaning the country’s fledgling online shopping industry, life was getting easier. The tech revolution had arrived. Gone would be the treks through higgledy-piggledy streets, weighed down and physically distended by shopping bags filled with unwieldy celery sticks and delicate eggs, bulging toilet rolls and heavy water bottles and replacement electronics, as I’d try diligently to reunite with my bus or bicycle or impossibly tightly parked car. Online shopping – that all-too-foreign concept in this land – was looking up.  Best of all, it was making our re-entry easier this year. Soon, surely, I’d be enjoying my own rosé piscine.

I’d already entered my email, home phone number and home address in Darty’s website and was about to share my credit card information, but first they needed a cell number. An international number would not do.

We’d just arrived in France. I hadn’t yet sorted out my French SIM card, so I popped Véronique an email. Would she mind terribly if I borrowed her number? In any case, she had just tried to reach us about dinner that first night. Lolo had picked up the phone while I was engrossed online.

“Allô?” My 12-year old’s accent was so perfectly and musically French compared to my semi-incomprehensible Anglo version. “Oui, c’est Lolo . . . .” Véro had identified herself, at which point our phone receiver emitted an urgent blast and died.

Hauling home the shopping is never straightforward. Photo: Charlene Huang

I abandoned darty.com and went to ring Véro on the hardwired line, Bellevue’s only phone that was free from the complication of low batteries. That unit was dead – as dead as Lolo’s poor clock radio. We had no phone.

What does this mean for the alarm? I wondered while my darty.com shopping basket remained at check-out and – refresh, refresh, refresh – I waited for Véro’s email reply. Were we cocooned inside a rather stately home in an area steeped with burglaries (and horridly worse tragedies these days) – without even the breath of an alarm?

A half-hour passed. Why didn’t Véro email me back? We clearly had no telephone. Maybe no alarm either. Didn’t she want us for dinner tonight?

I refreshed my computer screen once again. The darty.com order beseeched me from its cart. Then I noticed my Outbox. Véro’s email was still there. The WIFI was jammed, too.

Philippe rang my Canadian cell number from the golf course, already making the most of his local membership. How was everything? he wondered.

Not good.

Philippe was on his way home. He promised.

A rosé piscine: hallmark of the Côte d’Azur.

Before heading to Véro’s for a welcome dinner that first night – and I must underscore that it is a true joy and absolute privilege to have local friends who invite you into their home – Philippe and I decided to test our home alarm. He rang the monitoring station.

Oui, Monsieur, the station attendant told my husband, we can see the signal, but your alarm kept going off in the middle of the night the past few months. We kept sending people around, but there was never a problem. So we took your home offline.

Oh. No one had bothered to mention that detail.

Truth be told, another anomaly also challenged our renewed love affair with the Côte d’Azur. I guess I was avoiding it. Lolo’s bedroom was an oven, and fiddling with the air-conditioning dials didn’t help one jot. The new Rolls Royce of a climatisation machine – the one that our ingenious specialist rebuilt last year, and the very air-conditioner that supposedly would cool a small office block – taunted us from beneath the kitchen windows.  Mr Marc, a fixture in all our French homecomings, would again swing by.

We must simply accept it. Returning to our beloved Bellevue each summer will never be a mere flick of the suitcase buckle. After 12 years, you’d think we’d have learned. But nothing changes in France. People say that’s the beauty.

In the end, Véro happily lent me her cell number. After a half-dozen expectant emails about our clock radio’s journey from Darty’s warehouse to our doorstep, I received an email from the post office in neighbouring Juan-les-Pins:

Collect your package by tomorrow or else we’ll return it to the sender. And don’t forget that we’re closed for two hours at lunchtime.

Or at least that’s what I thought the email said as I scurried over the hill of the Cap d’Antibes into the bustling streets of Juan-les-Pins, adding myself to a slow-moving, single-file queue at the post office.

On returning to Bellevue I reread post office’s email, written in a characteristic hybrid of French politeness and oppression. I actually had two more weeks to collect my box.

But perhaps my urgency wasn’t such a bad thing. Put another way, maybe I’ve simply mastered the art of French survival.

Grab Bag: Bizarre Summer in the Côte d’Azur

It has been a bizarre summer. Security problems, and all their cultural complications, have meant that the Summer of 2016 in the Cote d’Azur has been more than a little off.

Bookings and revenues have plunged 10-15% across the region since the Nice attacks in July. Significant but not disastrous, is what people say. Many blame the government for the unrest, and as the French population heads to the polls next springtime, they grumble about the possibilities. Could it even be Président Hollande vs. ex-Président Sarkozy? The same-old, same-old has unleashed a sentiment akin to that of a Clinton vs. Trump America: People are disgusted.

Normally the place is buzzing. (Photo: crystal-juanlespins.com)
Normally the place is buzzing. (Photo: crystal-juanlespins.com)

Or we can paint a picture of the current vibe. The last Friday night in August – technically still the high season in the Côte d’Azur – Philippe and I wandered through Juan-les-Pins, our neighbouring town that normally throbs with a tangle of locals, tourists and out-and-out partiers. At Le Crystal, the storied café-bar that tumbles onto a large wedge of sidewalk in the centre of this sprawl, more tables lay empty than full. The sidewalks were free-flowing. At one point we stumbled into a handful of machine guns, all held by camouflage-suited young men wearing red berets. I tripped backward and gawked. Then I asked one of the soldiers if I could take his photo.

Desolée, Madame, he said in a kind but certain voice. Politely no.

The troubles have painted a dull sheen over the glittering French Riviera, no matter how you look at it. For our last post of this, our tenth season(!), we are delighted to leave you with the latest French Lessons grab bag of the weird and wonderful, the funny and fabulous, the cringing and the downright crazy in France’s legendary Côte d’Azur:

Not unexpectedly, we caved. Okay, I caved. I put the kibosh on our outing to the fabulous Festival d’Art Pyrotechnique in Cannes – despite the encouragement to attend by many commenters here. Sorry. We had every intention of continuing our annual visit to the best firework spectacles ever, but there was something alarming in the formula of fireworks + beaches + crowds + the South of France. The problem was that we’d already invited local friends to join us.

Cannes’ festival is spectacular, in the truest sense of the word.
Cannes’ festival is spectacular, in the truest sense of the word.

Would you go? I asked Christelle, our favourite red-haired and impossibly high-heeled taxi driver, the one who never gets behind her wheel without a flowing summer dress, movie-star-big sunglasses, and a breezy attitude on life.

Numbers have been way down at all the firework festivals this year, she said. It was true in Nice, Juan-les-Pins and Cannes. She suggested watching the show from a boat.

In other words, non. She wouldn’t go.

I emailed our local friend Véronique about a proposed change in our fireworks plans. Why not a simple dinner on Bellevue’s terrasse instead?

MERCI pour diner chez vous!” she wrote back. Véronique was unusually ecstatic about this invitation. Here’s why:

Security angst became a self-fulfilling prophecy. While Philippe, Lolo and I drove through Northern Ireland a couple weeks ago, completely oblivious of the world of the Côte d’Azur, Véronique and her family dined on the sands of the Garden Beach Hotel in Juan-les-Pins. The sun had long set when a motley crowd ran toward them on the beach, crying, “Courrez! Il y a un attentat!” Run! There’s an attack!

What happened next was pure reflex from the Nice tragedies as well as the Paris attacks in November. Véronique grabbed the hand of her 11-year-old daughter. Her husband and her mother jumped from the table, too, joining the crowds that funneled onto a stairway from the beach up to the first floor of the hotel. In the fray Véronique’s mother tripped on the stairs. People continued to mount the steps, walking right over her.

There were cries of a second attack. This time the venue was Le Crystal, the renowned café-bar just over the road. The horde ran back down the stairs and hid in the hotel’s basement.   Social media reported “attentat à Juan.” Attack in Juan-les-Pins.

In the end, the hysteria arose from a couple firecrackers tossed from a car – or perhaps it was the backfire of a fancy sports car’s motor. But the result was undeniable. Eighty people were injured. Véronique’s mother was black-and-blue with two broken ribs. And some imbecile had stolen her handbag.

MERCI, Veronique wrote about our new dinner plan. No wonder.

It’s a bumper crop this year.
It’s a bumper crop this year.

It’s figs galore!   If we had postponed our dinner plans with Véronique and her family by a couple of days, we could’ve served them figs. Figs for the entrée, main course and dessert. Figs to take home in loot bags afterward. Having taken a year off production last summer, our figuier is going gangbusters. An equal crop and more awaits on its branches. We are in heaven.

The burkini arrives. The other thing that has appeared this summer in the Côte d’Azur is the burkini. When we first learned of the no-burkini laws, we knew they were at once absurd and poisonous. The news could only get worse . . . and it did. Meanwhile, sales of the all-covering female swimwear soared.

The problem is that it shows too little. (Photo: 20minutes.fr)
The problem is that it shows too little. (Photo: 20minutes.fr)

And thus France – and in particular, the South of France – again entered the international headlines for all the wrong reasons. The occasional burkini has shown up on the sandy beaches outside Bellevue, but we’ve not seen much stir. In fact, Philippe chatted with one of the lifeguards on duty the other day in the direct gaze of a burkini. Its wearer went merrily about her beach time.

The lifeguard reflects: Comment s’est passé l’été? How’s the summer been? Philippe asked the strapping lad who surveyed the beaches that afternoon in the vicinity of the burkini. His whole physique was worthy of Baywatch.

The men shot the breeze. It turns out that lifeguarding in Antibes – and in the rest of France – is hardly a seasonal job, occupied by champion swimmers and CPR-trained film extras. Instead, most all French lifeguards are des pompiers. Professional firemen. The other lifeguards are pompier réservistes. (Imagine the cost! And what does it say about French labour laws and the corresponding annihilation of casual employment?)

The men returned to Philippe’s original question about how the lifeguard found this summer.

Bizarre was the lifeguard’s word. Just like mine. There were the good and the bad about this summer, he said. After the Nice attacks, the beach population shrank. Many tourists stayed away, especially the Americans. The good news was that there were fewer accidents this summer.

And the bad news? Philippe asked.

There were fewer gorgeous tourist chics chatting him up.

The pooch pulls, too. Which brings us neatly to the place where this summer’s series of French Lessons began: Yoko, our beloved miniature poodle pup, and our new prop for making connections in this land. As anticipated, she certainly has launched some conversations with the locals.

Spinning around on Antibes’ ferris wheel, you could say it was a dog’s-eye view.
Spinning around on Antibes’ ferris wheel, you could say it was a dog’s-eye view.

Earlier this summer we chatted with the young attendant of Antibes’ ferris wheel, a temporary, open-cart and somewhat reduced version of the London Eye. Could we bring our dog?

Normalement non, he said. He waved us through anyway. (Yoko – firmly clutched by Philippe – seemed to enjoy soaring into the blue sky, but when the revolutions came to an end, there was no way – uh-uh – she was leaving that basket.)

One evening along Antibes’ beach boardwalk, we met an affable, dog-walking couple because of Yoko, who swiftly repositioned herself behind my legs. She was afraid of the couple’s Chihuahua. Their teacup Chihuahua. The animal was about a third of her size.

Yoko’s leash has been the other point of entrée. Hardly a brute, our poodle has gone through three this summer. The last one was chain.

What is it with Canadian dogs? our gentle, French dog-sitter wondered. Why do they have to pull on their leads? Our sitter herself has the most-docile-ever yellow lab. It never, ever tugs, she told us. Its manners are far more reserved.

Ditto the good etiquette of a young, curious pug we met along the boardwalk several nights ago. But that dog wasn’t even on a leash. The pug hasn’t ever been on a leash, his fairly inebriated owner explained, having lifted himself from a beachside bench that he shared with a few buddies and a healthy collection of beer cans. This (French) pug is so well-behaved, it never has needed a leash.

Pamela Druckerman’s book French Children Don’t Throw Food springs to mind. I think I have a new title in me.

In any case, our pooch is about to rediscover her Canadian roots. After a Côte d’Azur summer filled with fancy restaurant, shopping and ferris wheel outings, I fear she’ll soon believe she’s a second-class citizen.

With that, it’s a summertime wrap. Time to stash a few figs for the road and cross back over the sea.

A gros merci to all our smart and dedicated readers! Thank you for donning your straw hats and travelling with us this summer. It was a bizarre season, for sure, but also one filled with the countless joys that populate this alluring corner of the world. I’m already looking forward to the adventures we’ll share next year as French Lessons springs into its second decade. One thing is certain: Bizarre season or not, the stories promise to be anything but ordinary!

Doctors’ Corner: A Pain in the Shoulder

Vous devez croire! Ah, oui, vous devez absolument croire! Sabine says across the lunch table. Her rich, tenor voice is insistent. She spreads her bejeweled fingers wide. You have to believe! You. Absolutely. Have. To. Believe!

The LIFE machine will revolutionize my, well, life. Or if not my life, then at least my shoulder, which has been a living nightmare all summer.

You should try it before you leave France! she says in a sudden brainstorm.   Can I make a rendez-vous for you?

Even Sabine’s drink is effervescent. (Photo: passion-prosecco.fr)
Even Sabine’s drink is effervescent. (Photo: passion-prosecco.fr)

Sabine heads the agency that looks after our Bellevue when my family and I leave Antibes. We’re enjoying our traditional summer lunch, flanked by Philippe and her colleague. Gathering around a table draped in white, our foursome occupies the broad sidewalk along Boulevard Albert 1er, Antibes’ thoroughfare to the beaches. A series of amuse bouches, dainty palette explosions offered by the chef, flood the table of this restaurant gastronomique as I study Sabine’s latest look. She has retained a florescent palette: a flowing, hot pink dress, dream-catcher earrings and a matching dream-catcher necklace that mingles with another half-dozen sugar-coated strands of the rainbow. Her eyeliner is bright turquoise. Her drink is a bubbling orange spritz.

Mine is water. Flat water. With all the shoulder dramas, I can’t bear the idea of joining in the alcohol this lunchtime.

I should’ve known my summer would be doomed. Following an ultrasound in Toronto last springtime, the hospital physicians couldn’t agree what to report. My trusted GP sent me packing with some family-sized painkillers and a scrap of wholesome advice: My shoulder shouldn’t get me down over the summer. If it did, I wasn’t drinking enough wine.

Oops. Maybe that’s where I’ve gone wrong this lunchtime.

The amuse bouches were followed by this artistic deconstruction of the salade niçoise for me . . .
The amuse bouches were followed by this artistic deconstruction of the salade niçoise for me . . .

Vous devez croire! Sabine says again, her resonant voice undulating as she moves onto a glass of rosé. I’m still nursing my flat water. Sabine paints a picture of this LIFE contraption with her words and ample hand gymnastics. They put a bandeau around your forehead, two bands around your wrists, and two more around your ankles. These bands then hook you up with wires to the LIFE computer. You stare at the machine as it reads your whole body, right through to the cells. When it discovers problems, it repairs them – and all in two hours. The machine can read right back to the third trimester of your mother’s pregnancy! Astronauts actually use it!

Okay. One member of the French Lessons community is a former astronaut. We wonder: Have you ever seen this machine up in space?

. . . and a flavourful prawn and courgette tagliatelle with tomato emulsion for the rest.
. . . and a flavourful prawn and courgette tagliatelle with tomato emulsion for the rest.

Sabine thinks this doc with the world’s best-ever crystal ball can fit me into his schedule within the next 10 days. This factoid makes me pause. Is he a real médecin? I ask. You know, with certificates and everything?

Non, he’s not registered like that, she says. He’s a different sort of doctor than Dr. L (who, Sabine knows, is our fully registered and certified family doctor here in Antibes). He does alternative medicine. You shouldn’t mention this stuff to Dr. L.

Of course not. But I did mention my shoulder to the good doctor earlier this summer when he dined one night at Bellevue.

You need to see Dr. P and Dr. P, he said over the third bottle of red. They’re the same doctors I sent you to last month for Lolo’s broken arm. (Mine, dear readers, hasn’t been the only infrastructural problem around Bellevue this summer.) Drs. P and P will inject you with ink and take a scan, he said. It’s the only way to find out what’s really wrong.

(The word inject put me off. Especially as I’d have to start all over again with any medical procedure in Toronto.)

There have been others this summer who have known the only way, too. My extremely fun and witty British osteopath here has beat me up, cracked my neck, and told me to shove a Power Plate into my armpit. These things worked for her as – guess what! – she has the exact same ailment. I must do what I can and then throw myself back into the mosh pit of life. That’s her advice. The shoulder will be an 18-month project; there’s no magic fix because it’s all due to hormones. She actually calls it “50-year-old shoulder.”

I don’t think she’s so fun anymore.

My osteo’s sidekick is French, and thus he prefers creams. After pummeling my shoulder, he recommended a gel to smooth onto my shoulder for relief. I can use it as often as I like. Alternatively I can dab on some peppermint oil at the pulse points. (To come clean, he recommended some exercises, too.)

This deconstructed lemon meringue pie also graced our table, sprinkled with the zest of East Asian yuzu.
This deconstructed lemon meringue pie also graced our table, sprinkled with the zest of East Asian yuzu.

I’ve added these exercises to those from my Toronto physiotherapist, who I saw for a few brief sessions before jetting off to France this summer. His orange elastic sports band has accompanied me here in Antibes and on our various summer travels. It even joined me on the superyacht trip where a delightful deckhand from Mauritius also had a shoulder problem.

Don’t worry at all, he said. Simply do nothing with your shoulder and let it heal. It will be as good as new in four months.

If only I, too, were in my twenties. Fortunately the emails that have piled in are from friends older than 20. They sympathise. They’ve had the same thing or know someone who has. And they all have a view.

Fragile – like a seal with a ball, a Canadian friend said. She sent me the top seven shoulder exercises from Harvard’s medical pros. A South African friend raved about some French procedure called Latarjet. A British friend found cortisone was her route – and surgery. After 16 months of pain, a New York friend finally got serious about her physio and is on the uptick. And all the while my American mother wonders, hopefully, will I come home early this summer?

Another bit of advice came from our pilates guru. After a recent session (legs and core only!), he gave me a three-minute go on his personal magnetic stimulation machine, which he keeps in the room beside his ozone machine. To be honest, I was freaked out by the notion of running magnetic currents through my cells, which is apparently what happens, so I agreed only to the easiest turn of the dial.

You have to get the 120 model of this machine, he said, as a weird plastic loop pulsed lightly on my shoulder. Then he mentioned that astronauts actually use this machine. (!)

Apparently I should drink more of this.
Apparently I should drink more of this.

The annual lunch with Sabine continues at its leisurely pace. Pedestrians trickle past our lunch table as the chef’s amuse bouches give way to an exquisite main course and, eventually, to dessert. Conversation moves on from the LIFE machine to equally irksome matters, such as the downward spiral of the whole of France. A camouflage-painted jeep filled with camouflage-robed militia cruises down Boulevard Albert 1er beside our table, as if to reinforce our discussion.

When Sabine and I say goodbye for the summer, her dreamcatcher earrings dance as we exchange cheek bisous. I promise to give her LIFE machine a go if nothing else works on my wretched shoulder. Beam me up, Scotty.

In the present moment of weakness, I am considering a fortuneteller. But Philippe has landed me a consultation with his uber-sports doctor just after we land back in Toronto.   What, I wonder, will be his remedy? Pills, gels and oils? A series of exercises – or the edict to do nothing? Ink and scans? Shots or magnets or surgery?

Maybe I just forget these options. I will simply drink more wine. Doctor’s orders.

Photo Essay: Life Aboard a Megayacht

A muscular and handsome powerboat swooshes Philippe, Lolo and me, and a week’s worth of luggage, toward the 80-some-meter megayacht that awaits us off the north shore of Sardinia. Perched on the craft’s leather seats, we slice through the salty waves of the Med, our bare feet skimming the teak floorboards as pure sunshine rains down on our exposed skin.

Joining us on this Rolls Royce of a tender is a fourth passenger who carries a briefcase. Johnny is a yacht broker from London. He’s a debonair, young Richard Branson, early 40s with a closely cropped beard and perfect teeth. He’s not staying the week, he explains after a suitable duration. He simply has business onboard with our host, the owner.

Johnny loves his job. As the four of us lunch on the yacht’s top deck with the owner, his wife and his sister, the yacht broker explains why time aboard a megayacht is the greatest holiday of all. One thing remains by far the most important aspect of any superyacht experience, he says, and that thing is privacy. What happens onboard . . .

Stays on board. That is, of course, what he means to say.

newspaperAs the rosé wine flows and lunch moves into its third hour, the owner and his wife begin to pop up and down from the table as more guests arrive. Johnny chats about his work. Where else, he asks rhetorically, can you meet with the world’s dealmakers and tycoons in such a relaxed setting? With a broad flourish of his outstretched arm, our eyes are again directed over the edge of the glorious yacht.

He has a point. Tenth-story corner office, this is not. Pinstriped suits, plastic Evian bottles, and stale filter coffees with creamer sachets are notably missing, too. Anchored here off this rugged, shrub-strewn coastline, we watch sailboats and yachts glide past us on a perfect expanse of emerald waters. We sip more rosé, luxuriating in our surroundings as ample sunlight filters through an arching white canopy to kiss our bare shoulders.

There’s no way I could write my [auto]biography, Johnny says. If I did, I’d be . . .

Killed. That is, I think, what he means to say. Shot or murdered or taken out in some grisly fashion.

bedWe get the point. Life aboard a megayacht is more secretive than a weekend in Las Vegas. In this cloistered vein, French Lessons shares what we responsibly can about our week on a superyacht in the Mediterranean. Behind each snapshot are those proverbial thousand words.

On a megayacht there are small luxuries, like printed newspapers, and perfectly wrinkle-free sheets.

The swimming pool – a must on a boat of this stature – has a surprisingly expansive view . . .

pool

. . . as does our cabin.

balcony

The playground gets bigger on a megayacht . . .

slide

. . . as do the bottles of wine.

wine

Beach parties, thrown by a most-attentive-ever crew, have never been so sumptuous.

beach

The Mediterranean’s stunning scenery is reflected in every corner.

boat interior

Come to think of it, the neighbourhood isn’t too shabby either.

yachts

After a week aboard a superyacht, the toughest job is remembering to collect your shoes on the way home.

Working for French Unemployment Benefits

I was 10 years working in my office job – real, salaried employment! Jo says, pausing with me on the terrasse before organizing her day here at Bellevue. She shakes her head. But I was let go on la veille de Noël – on Christmas Eve – apparently for economic reasons.

As Jo names the reason for her sudden redundancy, the robust early-30-something swirls her dark eyes. She doesn’t believe her employers’ excuse. That, and maybe the fact that she is fed up with the enduring economic rut that has engulfed the whole of her country.

I had droit aux allocations, she says. Jo was entitled to allowances from the State – and in particular to un indemnité chômage. Unemployment benefits. I settle in with the young woman on Bellevue’s terrasse, my pen poised to capture the mind-boggling tale that I know is coming.

Early January: Jo gathered un dossier complet – all the papers she needed to register for her benefits: her birth certificate, carte d’identité, carte de sécurité sociale, copies of her last 12 paychecks, her CV, and all the paperwork from her former employer. She brought her file to the Pôle Emploi, the Employment and Unemployment agency in Cannes, a half-hour drive from here in Antibes depending (importantly) on traffic.

Early February: Jo hadn’t heard a word about her application. She rang the Pôle Emploi. The problem was evident. You lost mon dossier! Jo said.

Non, the government employee said, nous ne l’avons jamais vu! We never saw it!

The quest had begun. Jo’s voice still registers the exasperation all these months later – and in the second retelling of her story this morning, this time at the insistence of Philippe. He wants me to hear it, too. He joins us at the long table on Bellevue’s terrasse overlooking Antibes’ old town.

Jo photocopied everything for her straightforward request at the Pôle Emploi.
Jo photocopied everything for her straightforward request at the Pôle Emploi.

J’avais besoin de tout refaire! Jo says. I had to do it all over again! But her approach with the good folks at the Pôle Emploi remained calme, she insists.

C’est comme ça chez nous, Jo says. It’s just like that in France. It’s as if she almost expected a problem. In her habitually paper-intensive culture, she always makes a photocopy.

Mid-February: Jo gathered her paperwork again and drove to Cannes. Sorry, the Pôle Emploi said, passing the dossier back to Jo. We cannot open your file. Your carte d’identité has expired.

Jo checked the card. It had expired three days earlier.

I look at Philippe. He’s my language broker as I try to follow a rapid-fire delivery of this story in the lilting accent of a South-of-France native. My Anglo accent is hardly easier on Jo; she usually raises her eyebrows when I speak to her, as if understanding me requires the utmost concentration. (It probably does . . . more on that in some future post.) Still, I adore having this connection with her. She is exactly the kind of person you dream of putting in charge of your home when you’re away – and even when you’re not. Responsible and hardworking, she’s a self-starter who’s not afraid of giving directions to a bevy of workmen. In the battle with the Pôle Emploi, I knew who would win.

We prefer to associate a French mairie with happier times.
We prefer to associate a French mairie with happier times.

The recent expiry of Jo’s identity card was bad luck. It happens once every 10 years in France – and from now on under new regulations, every 15.

I had to refaire la carte, she says. She needed a new ID card. But to apply for it, Jo continues, I needed my certificat de naissance. By that point, it had expired, too.

Your birth certificate expired?

Oui. That’s how it’s done here, Jo explains. In France you request your certificat de naissance from the mairie. But it only remains valid for three months.

So Jo made her request at the mairie (via internet in this case, thankfully) for a new certificat de naissance (which takes a week’s delivery) . . . so that she could apply for the new carte d’identité (which takes three weeks’ delivery) . . . in order that she could submit a new dossier to the Pôle Emploi with the hopes that (one precious day) she might receive some overdue unemployment money.

I can’t help but admire Jo’s perseverance. Honestly, this quality – one that receives a great deal of attention in North American schools these days – must be ingrained in the French psyche in order for this population to survive.

Mid-March: Jo again gathered her paperwork and returned to the reception counter of the Pôle Emploi in Cannes.   The clerk at last agreed to open a file for Jo. She copied directly from the various papers and (newly valid) cards, inputting the details piece by piece into a central government computer.

Late March: Jo received a letter from the Pôle Emploi asking her to provide an attestation from Sécurité sociale in départment 59.

Département 59 is a long way from home.
Département 59 is a long way from home. Photo: about-france.com, annotated

The way France is divided, département 59 is the Nord, a territory in the far north of France that is more used to receiving ferries from England than it is to hearing lilting South-of-France accents. Bizarrely, the Pôle Emploi was asking Jo for her social security registration in a part of the country that’s diametrically opposite from the Côte d’Azur.

Then it clicked. The clerk s’est trompée when she put my numéro de sécurité sociale into the system! Jo says. She pulls a credit card-like piece of plastic out of her wallet and points to two digits in the middle of a long number. The “06” on her carte de sécurité sociale corresponds to the Alpes-Maritimes, the département housing the whole of the French Riviera.

Early April: Back Jo went to the Pôle Emploi in Cannes with her employment papers, her paychecks, her CV, her cartes d’identité and de sécurité sociale, and her certificat de naissance – all, fortunately, still valid. This time she wasn’t so calme. When I ask her, Jo describes her mood that time as énervée. She hesitates in telling me exactly what she told the attendant clerk – but it was too good not to share. Clearly I don’t understand the slang, but the satisfaction in her smirk is obvious.

We are also inclined to focus on the picturesque, like leisurely games of boules . . .
We are also inclined to focus on the picturesque, like leisurely games of boules . . .

So maybe you can say this kind of thing because you’re French? I ask. I try to explain. To make headway in a situation, we Anglos are taught to package our frustrations with French bureaucracy into a neat game of us-versus-them. Oooo la la, we might say to an administrator, can you believe all this bureaucracy imposed on us by the government? It’s so wretchedly inefficient but, ouf, I guess we just have to deal with it. Allons-y, let’s tackle the job together! That sort of thing.

Non, Jo says, I don’t play this game. C’est tout le temps comme ça. Il y a trop de papiers. It’s always like this. There are too many papers.

Word games and shattered nerves aside, the clerk at the Pôle Emploi dutifully started again, inputting Jo’s dossier into the ether that is the French unemployment system.

. . . and the Riviera’s resplendent night skies.
. . . and the Riviera’s resplendent night skies.

Mid-June: Jo finally received a whiff of better times. Almost six months after she’d begun this whole operation, Jo received precisely one-half of one benefit cheque.

Mid-July: Jo is in the system. Hurrah. She received her first full unemployment cheque. She also received the first half of her retroactive funding. Now she waits again, hoping the second half of her back claims might arrive in October.

So gripped have I been by Jo’s ordeal – so intent on grasping the finer points of the French system – that only now do I recognise our shared frustrations with French bureaucracy. But all along I’ve been nodding in strange comprehension. I know the wasted time and frustration of the paperwork needed to bring Yoko, our poodle, into France this summer. I try to build a bridge.

So did you have to follow all the ridiculous details that I did? I ask Jo. Did you have to complete all the forms in block letters – black ink only, except for your signature, which resolutely had to be in blue? Did you have to use a ruler to cross out all the lines that didn’t apply? Did you have to initial each and every deletion?

Jo delivers the slightest of French shrugs. Of course she did all this. It hadn’t occurred to her to mention these details to me. Nous, nous sommes habituées de faire des papiers, she says. We French are used to filling out paperwork.

She knows the system. And in this modern-day Battle of the Bureaucracy, the formidable Jo finally won.

Style: Yoko Heads to a French Groomer

“Isn’t that incredible??” Philippe called out of the family room last week. “These are DOGS. I can get a hair appointment for myself tomorrow!”

He’d just rung the two salons de toilettage recommended by a friend in nearby Cannes. They were full up. The first available booking at one spot was in 20 days’ time. At the other we had to wait over three weeks. “Impensable!” the groomers had cried. It was unthinkable that Philippe even mentioned an appointment this week.

The overgrown-teddy-bear look is cute – but not the right style for a Côte d’Azur summertime.
The overgrown-teddy-bear look is cute – but not the right style for a Côte d’Azur summertime.

But our miniature poodle Yoko needed a haircut. It had been a while. We’ve been reasonably diligent about brushing, but her teddy-bear cut is getting a little too realistic – especially with the Côte d’Azur heat.

Philippe searched the web, an experience that’s far less user-friendly in France than in North America. He made more calls. The groomers were either out of business, out of town, or booked to eternity. At last he rang our vet, who recommended a place here in downtown Antibes – and which happened to have an opening.

Today is the day Philippe, Lolo and I bring our miniature brown bear into town for her scheduled rendez-vous, leading her on taut leash along a narrow trunk road to the salon de toilettage. We’ve all come along to witness this important rite.

Brigitte vous accueille,” says the glass door of the shop. Brigitte welcomes us. Unwieldy PetSmart box store, this is not.

Yoko heads off to the groomers’ . . .
Yoko heads off to the groomers’ . . .

The salon de toilettage stinks of cigarettes – another reminder of its foreignness. There’s a small front-of-store space offering a rainbow collars, leashes and beds, but otherwise this establishment is dedicated to le toilettage. One customer is just leaving with three small fluff balls, and a squadron of other pint-sized dogs inhabits the back area in various stages of grooming. Our miniature poodle ranks among the largest here.

The front door pops open and another customer greets Brigitte by name – by her first name, not by Madame or Monsieur Such-and-Such as is normally required by French etiquette. Goodness knows, we’ve never addressed our air-conditioning repairman – a chap who enters our home with unimaginable regularity – without a solid Monsieur.

Brigitte greets Philippe, Lolo and me from the back-of-store section. Her pretty face is framed by thick hair piled at her crown. A dark cover-all identifies her as one of the few groomers – as does the razor in her hand, which has been busily shaving a white-and-brown hound on a high table. Behind them is a washbasin, a blow-dryer, dog docking stations – typical dog salon stuff. And all around, the fur is flying.

“Yoko needs a cut that’s “très française,” Philippe declares with a little too much flair as he presents the curly masses of our dog.

“Quel âge a-t-elle?” How old is she? The salon owner asks.

“Just over a year. She was born on the 14th of July. Le jour de la Fête nationale!” Bastille Day. Philippe is clearly proud.

There’s a dog in there somewhere.
There’s a dog in there somewhere.

“Ahhh, she’s a bleu-blanc-rouge!” Brigitte says cheerily. She’s a real French girl! By the warmth of her voice, she is both capable and fun. The owner surveys Yoko’s ample coat and overgrown eyes. “Oui,” she says, “Yoko needs une belle coupe.”

Philippe says it again (as if once isn’t more than enough): “Donnez une coupe beaucoup plus française.” Give her a haircut that’s a lot more French.

At this point Lolo can stand it no longer. She tries unsuccessfully to break into the repartee with a concerned “mais . . . .”

I know what my 11-year old wants to say. She worries what a “very French” poodle haircut will look like. We’ve made only one fashion rule when it comes to our poodle: There will be no pompons in our house.

Conversation turns to Yoko’s face, her ears, her head, her feet. “On va garder le pantalon?” Brigitte asks. We keep the trousers?

“Ahh, oui, le pantalon,” Philippe says. Yes. Don’t shave Yoko’s legs!

Et gardez la queue, Lolo chimes in. Don’t shave her tail!

By the time we leave the salon de toilettage, none of us are sure what we will find when we return. But three hours later Philippe is in love.

. . . and returns belle and chic – just as a French poodle ought to be!
. . . and returns belle and chic – just as a French poodle ought to be!

“Never before has Yoko looked aussi belle!” he coos.

 Lolo isn’t so sure. She’s worried about the shape of Yoko’s head. Yoko, on the other hand, is elated to be heading home – but I can tell by the small prance in her step that she feels pretty fancy. To keep her looking this way, Brigitte even welcomes Lolo on the other side of the salon barrier for some one-on-one tutelage.

At last Brigitte rings up the bill. Like the relative cost of a human haircut in Antibes, Yoko’s grooming bill is almost half-price compared to Toronto. Beauty – in its various guises – is one item that’s consistently cheaper in France.

As I pay, I tell Brigitte that our vet recommended her.

“People tell me I’m la meilleure – the best – in Antibes!” she says with pride and charm.

‘You’re la seule – the only one – in Antibes,” her colleague says, in the same tone that an 11-year old tells her mother she already knows how to brush a dog.

“I don’t know. But I do get really good press,” Brigitte says.

It’s true – and we will continue this trend. Philippe, Lolo and I leave Brigitte’s shop with a belle and slightly chichi pooch, tips for her future grooming – and a promise that we’ll be back next year.

MIDSUMMER GRAB BAG: SECURITY IN THE SPOTLIGHT

This Saturday the roads in France are meant to be black.

That’s what Bison Futé forecasts, anyway, in its annual summer traffic forecast, Le Panorama de l’été 2016. Saturday, July 30 – Saturday, August 6, too – are the summits of a French summer season that seems to run, in unison, up and down the whole of the country. The population takes to the road, with the Côte d’Azur ranking among the top destinations. For your own happiness, the Le Panorama suggests, why not consider Sunday? Travelling a day later would offer plus de sérénité.

I wonder if the annual forecast will prove true this year. It’s a strange season in the Côte d’Azur. There are fewer people here – and by here, I mean in Antibes, though we’ve heard anecdotal evidence of elsewhere. Usually I mark the influx by Antibes’ available parking spaces – not simply that there are none, but the lengths people go to ditch their cars in an increasingly claustrophobic road space. More than once at the height of the season, I’ve seen vehicles parked across the tops of small roundabouts.

But not this year. At 10 o’clock in the morning the other day, a good handful of free parking spaces remained along the beach road near Bellevue. On both sides of the street.

Beachcombers morphed into kitesurfers off Antibes last weekend.
Beachcombers morphed into kitesurfers off Antibes last weekend.

I can think of a few reasons we’ve seen fewer beachcombers so far this summer – including the fact that the beachside parking spaces have become payante. They’re no longer free. The weather has been a problem, too. Last weekend the wind ripped through the bay outside Bellevue, turning it into a kitesurfer’s paradise.

But these are minor contributors. This summer it’s not the superstars or festivals or macarons that are on everyone’s lips. It’s the memory of Nice. It’s the security situation in general. One local friend recently walked on Nice’s Promenade des Anglais with her young son and said everything looked impressively normal. In the next breath she asked, “Was I crazy to go there? Am I a bad mother?”

The alert level is permanently high in France these days. So just like the locals, we are learning to restez calme et tenez bon. To keep calm and carry on. Sort of.

Diana Krall: Sublime is the most fitting word.
Diana Krall: Sublime is the most fitting word.

The show goes on: The Jazz-à-Juan festival started up again after three days’ national mourning. Philippe and I decided to use our tickets. That night in neighbouring Juan-les-Pins, the arena constructed under the stars every year for this festival was packed. Diana Krall was sublime. Transcendent, that is, once I’d chewed over half-a-dozen escape routes ranging from the advertised exits, to jumping over the stage, to crawling beneath it. Beside me Philippe was doing the same thing – but we only voiced that fact the next evening.

The Fernand-Léger Museum was the perfect way to get away from it all.
The Fernand-Léger Museum was the perfect way to get away from it all.

Our family stays on the move: Lolo needed new shorts. She’s growing like all 11-year olds do in the summertime. What about a trip to the brand new, American-style shopping mall in Cagnes-sur-Mer? I suggested last weekend. Local friends said it was incredible. There was even heaps of parking.

Then we paused. Shopping malls are known targets in France. A journey to Nice’s Cap 3000 mall earlier this summer began with a reasonably diligent bag search – but that time the visit had been essential. Cap 3000 is home to the Côte d’Azur’s only Apple store.

Yoko has felt like a princess in the Côte d’Azur.
Yoko has felt like a princess in the Côte d’Azur.

For Lolo’s shorts we headed to a local shop. Then we went together to nearby Biot for a walk around the blissfully pastoral Musée National Fernand-Léger. What better time to tick off the 10-year-old to-do list?

The poodle gets a little French: Yoko enjoys these days out, too – along with regular trips to boutiques, restaurants and dinner parties. There are benefits to living in France. She’s also getting language lessons. Now our miniature poodle sits to the command “Assis!” Shortly, I fear, her French will be better than mine.

Aesthetics still count (despite the bigger problems): Philippe and I were among the first to wear Crocs in Antibes. I remember the outing some eight or nine years ago with complete clarity given the finger-pointing. Today there’s a whole Crocs store in Antibes’ old town that’s dedicated to this rainbow of resin shoes – but only the French can make them look so stylish.

Crocs and fashion actually intersect in France.
Crocs and fashion actually intersect in France.

Taste still matters, too: Our local boulangerie proudly displays a new certificate over its racks of bread: Trophée de la Meilleure Baguette de Tradition Française des Alpes-Maritimes 2016: 1er Prix. They bake the best baguette in the whole of the French Riviera.

Which type? I asked the assistant when I first spotted the certificate. Baguette à l’ancienne or baguette de tradition?

Neither of the usual baguettes won top prize. It was the campaillete. The baguette grand siècle.

The grand siècle! I remembered the variety from years back. We adored its fine interior and chewier consistency, but it somehow had disappeared.

This one tastes the best.
This one tastes the best.

I’ll have a grand siècle, s’il vous plaît! I said expectantly to the assistant.

Il n’y en a plus, she said. There are none left.

The next day Philippe got the same response. The economics of a French boulangerie don’t follow the traditional demand-and-supply rules. But luck was on our side earlier this week.

The show goes on 2: Fireworks are nearly a birthright during a normal Côte d’Azur summertime. Philippe, Lolo and I invited a local family to join us in Cannes in a few weeks’ time for the fabulous Festival d’Art Pyrotechnique.

The Festival d’Art Pyrotechnique floods Cannes’ seaside with glorious light.
The Festival d’Art Pyrotechnique floods Cannes’ seaside with glorious light.

Oui, avec plaisir! they said. A beat went by. Mais, do you think it’ll be safe?

Rereading this post, superstars and festivals and food do still roll off the tongue in the Côte d’Azur. The place continues to bewitch us. But this summer’s recurring theme – one that returns time and again, both in day-to-day and more festive situations – is entirely different from years past.

Yesterday I rode my bicycle home to Bellevue. Three uniformed gendarmes, members of France’s national police force, congregated around a squad car at the roundabout outside our boulangerie, just beyond Antibes’ sandy beaches. They were surveying traffic. I sailed through the intersection on my bicycle, handbag swinging on the handlebars. The gendarmes found me patently uninteresting. And yet I was glad to see these men – embodiments of France’s perpetual high level of alert – posted right here in our neighbourhood. They were doing what they could to keep us safe – or at least to manage our collective anxieties.

I intended to leave the post right around here – except that now, as I prepare to hit the “Publish” button, I discover online the reason for the gendarmes’ presence at the roundabout near Bellevue. Text messages were making the rounds yesterday about two separate discoveries of explosives destined for the beaches of Antibes and Juan-les-Pins. After a number of telephone calls, the national police force denied these rumours.

So why, then, call out the gendarmes?

With all the turbulence – substantive or otherwise – arising in this alluring corner of the planet, the annual forecast for France’s road network this weekend may prove to be a rumour, too.

Unexpected Email: Bellevue’s Earliest Residents

In the final days before my family and I shifted our luggage and lives to France this summer – at the very time our Toronto home was a packing pigsty, and as we trod heartily into our 10-day, do-or-die window for Yoko’s persnickety paperwork – I received a most intriguing email in my French Lessons inbox:

I came across your website whilst searching for any clues about a property . . . that was my mother’s childhood home. She lived in Antibes from when she was born (1923) until the war, when the whole family fled back to England. . . .

Anthea and her husband would visit the Côte d’Azur shortly. She’d send a photo of her mother’s former home. Was it was a match?

From her initial description, I already knew the answer. For years I’ve worked to uncover the story of Bellevue, our home in Antibes:

Other connections have wiggled into our lives through the Cannes-Mougins Golf Club and the Monaco Grand Prix. Even more surprisingly, an elderly woman still holding one of Bellevue’s original, eight-inch, iron keys let herself into the property during our renovations. Once an owner, always an owner, it seems.

In short, over the course of the decade that my family has inhabited this limestone-and-stucco villa by the sea, Bellevue has taken on a life of her own.

Anthea’s photo was a match. One morning a couple weeks ago, she and her husband Chris rang at the gate.

Bellevue’s earliest occupants would’ve looked down a similar stairwell . . .
Bellevue’s earliest occupants would’ve looked down a similar stairwell . . .

An unusual and instant connection arises when you meet someone with a mutual interest – particularly when that something is as specific as your home. You both understand that the building is more than a bunch of stones, wires and pipes knitted together in a certain way. The place is somehow the keeper of the past, of all that unfurled on this particular patch of earth. It is the safe walls in which lives were created and shaped and transformed.

Anthea and I shared this attachment. She was in her late-fifties and, I quickly learned, a keen supporter of Airbnb, and one who was untroubled by an imminent, four-hour drive through France’s convoluted interior to the town of Briançon.

We entered Bellevue through her massive, walnut door – the one that retains that grand, old, iron lock – and wandered through the main floor while considering the function of each room – today and in times past, according to the lore I’ve gathered. Today’s dining room was the study in past generations; the living room was the dining room; the study was a cold-and-damp living room.

. . . and seated on her terrasse, they would’ve shared a similar view.
. . . and seated on her terrasse, they would’ve shared a similar view.

We moved upstairs and downstairs and into the garden. Chris, too, seemed eager to glimpse the childhood of his late mother-in-law. Cycling through my brain as we moved through the house together was a phrase I stumbled on earlier this summer in Provence, 1970. The author, Luke Barr, was recalling the moment he revisited the beloved home of his great-aunt: the mood was “strangely different,” he wrote, “yet somehow exactly the same, haunted by time and memory.”

I hoped to create the same atmosphere for Anthea and Chris. As I shared the assembled story of Bellevue, the couple expanded my repertoire, stitching the earliest threads yet into the fabric of this old house.

Anthea’s mother, Margaret Anderson, lived at Bellevue in her youth. Her family had taken a long lease.

They would’ve leased the property from Edouard Muterse, I said, the well-connected local man who built Bellevue for rental income around 1930. These members of Anthea’s family were quite possibly the first occupants of our seaside home.

Henry and Mercia Anderson were among Bellevue’s earliest occupants. Photo: Anthea Hoey
Henry and Mercia Anderson were among Bellevue’s earliest occupants. Photo: Anthea Hoey

Margaret lived most of her days here with her twin brother Charles, their older sister (by nine years) Cynthia, and their mother Mercia (née Clements). They could’ve lived almost anywhere in the world, Anthea explained. The family was English, but Anthea’s grandfather Henry Anderson was an engineer in India. While he spent his days abroad, the family chose to live in the Côte d’Azur. The twins were born here. They stayed in France until they were 16 years old.

The family employed a governor for the children’s schooling, but Margaret insisted this woman used to “drink dirty water.”

Alcohol, Anthea translated. It made her question the quality of her mother’s education.

Difficult governors weren’t so abnormal at Bellevue during that era, I said. Arlette, the dainty woman whose family occupied Bellevue from 1939 – the same year Margaret and her family left France – also had a troublesome governor as a child. When Arlette first visited Philippe, Lolo and me at Bellevue, she let her husband Jean, the local storyteller, do most of the talking. She was a reserved woman by nature, and surely a sudden return to the walls of her childhood was overwhelming. But one of Arlette’s first memories here, revived as she peered into Bellevue’s circular stairwell, was that of her governor’s heavy hand.

Mercia Anderson raised her twins Margaret and Charles, and their older sister, in Bellevue during the 1930s. Photo: Anthea Hoey
Mercia Anderson raised her twins Margaret and Charles, and their older sister, in Bellevue during the 1930s. Photo: Anthea Hoey

At last Anthea, Chris and I gathered at the long table on Bellevue’s terrasse, overlooking the very view of Antibes’ old town that all former occupants would’ve enjoyed. Eleven-year-old Lolo joined us; she picked the latest figs from the figuier in the garden and insisted on sharing them out over cups of tea.

Anthea opened the blue legal file she’d been carrying through the house. Before leaving England, she’d scoured her family’s albums. Now she presented copies of a couple dozen photos:

  • Here was Henry, the engineer and early lessee of Bellevue, on a visit back from India. A robust figure leaned against a classic 1930s-style, open-air car. His three-piece suit, round wire glasses, and neat side part in his thick, dark hair conveyed confidence.
  • Here beside Henry was Mercia, dressed in a smart white skirt and blazer; black, high-heeled Mary Janes; and a black cloche hat. In her hand was a matching handbag. While Henry stared gamely into the camera, Mercia appeared enigmatic, offering only a neat profile to the lens. She donned the slightest smile as she gazed into the distance, focusing neither on her husband nor on the photographer.
  • Here were the young, primary school-aged twins, dressed in woolen sweaters, knee socks, and a casual skirt for Margaret and shorts for Charles. The boy gazed down at a toy car in his hands. It was a miniature version of his father’s car.

Charles’ interest in this toy made sense, I said. Cars were becoming increasingly popular in Antibes in the 1930s.

  • Here was Margaret, older this time with her hair in long braids. Her white cotton dress shone in the same sunlight that highlighted patches of an ivy-covered, stucco wall behind her. By the deco ironwork, the wall could’ve belonged to Bellevue. In the photo Margaret kneeled proudly beside a dog.

What was the dog’s name? Lolo, my animal-lover, asked.

No one remembers, Anthea said. But the family also had a goose. She was called Frigoline!

The history of Bellevue’s former goose also was a mystery. Perhaps she was a pet. Or she could well have been a guard, Chris suggested. Geese are very noisy, he said, and in the past they were used as guards.

My brain made connections again, this time to the first bit of advice we heard from Michel, a frequent visitor to Bellevue in the 1960s and 70s, and the contact we sourced through the Monaco Grand Prix. Shortly after Philippe, Lolo and I moved into this house, the alpha male popped around in his Monaco-plated 911 Carrera S with his statuesque girlfriend. We shared the briefest preliminary pleasantries and then Michel warned: Make sure you have a good alarm system.

Security, it seems, always has been an issue.

Margaret and her family lived in France, and possibly in Bellevue, until 1939, when the war began. The twins were put on a train back to England, and their parents and older sister followed by ship, a vessel that was heavily crowded and overloaded. In her later years, Margaret would remain sympathetic to war refugees.

A dog also called Bellevue home in the 30s. Photo: Anthea Hoey
A dog also called Bellevue home in the 30s. Photo: Anthea Hoey

In Anthea and Chris’ short visit, we may have met – at least through photos and shared memory – Bellevue’s first occupants. Perhaps Margaret and her family were Bellevue’s Chapter 1. Chapter 2, then, would’ve been dainty Arlette, who moved in as a child when her family fled the war in the north of France; they opted for the southern free zone until it, too, was no longer free.

After a grisly and opaque Chapter 3, a period consumed by Italian and German occupations of Bellevue, Chapter 4 would’ve focused on the ex-notaire Jean-Claude, and more precisely, his grandfather. After moving into our home, the man positioned himself on our seaside terrasse, revolver in his hands, and monitored German prisoners of war as they demined Bellevue’s garden.

The home soon passed through the estate of her founder, Edouard Muterse, to his niece, who after several requests eventually let go of the property. A long Chapter 5 later, a Belgian family bought Bellevue and welcomed alpha male Michel as their guest for several summers in the late-sixties and early-seventies – on the understanding that he re-varnished each of Bellevue’s ten wooden doors each year.

Willowy Geneviève’s family rented Bellevue for a few summers in what would be Chapter 6, and eventually the property passed to a Parisian doctor in Chapter 7. Surely it was his widow who let herself into Bellevue with the old, iron key.

A couple decades later, far as I can tell, a dot-commer Dane bought Bellevue, thus opening Chapter 8. Shortly he went bankrupt; as he looked for his feet again, squads of squatters became Bellevue’s next residents. Chapter 9. Eventually the Dane sold to a British investor, who Philippe and I met in Chapter 10, a period that began one fateful day in October 2005.

And so we gather the chapters of Bellevue, with resonant mercis to les archives municipales, Jean, Arlette, Jean-Claude, Michel, Geneviève – and now to Anthea. The past has come to life through a variety of unexpected avenues.

Finding new stories becomes more and more rare with each discovery – it’s a mathematical certainty – but clearly some holes remain in the book of Bellevue. I guard an ardent hope: that the flow of these unexpected messengers won’t dry up anytime soon.

Nice: Paradise Lost

The cover of our local newspaper tells the story of Paradise Lost:

newspaper

The artist Mesia puts it even more touchingly:

Mesia drawing

Such a bleu-blanc-rouge waves outside Bellevue, too. The flag is an ever-present sentry at the tip of a quay jutting into the Mediterranean bay. It flaps day and night, in blazing sunshine and howling mistral – until the endless winds, rays and saltwater of the Côte d’Azur render it an embarrassment. An invisible hand eventually brings a new flag, but otherwise no one seems to bother with it. Today, though, our tricolore has shimmied halfway down its pole:

bay

French Lessons says a gros merci for the emails flooding into our inboxes. Here in nearby Antibes, a relative backwater to Nice, the police were surveying the beach road this morning. Sirens blare more frequently than usual – or maybe their NEE-eu NEE-eu simply sounds more acute. Festivals up and down the Côte d’Azur are cancelled for reasons of security and national mourning.

Photo: translatemedia.com
Photo: translatemedia.com

A friend SMSs this afternoon. She, too, had tickets to Jazz-à-Juan tonight. “I say we TRY to live life and not let the terrorists win!” An Earth, Wind & Fire concert morphs into a group dinner.

 Restez Calme et Tenez Bon. Keep Calm and Carry On. That’s what we do – at least those of us who still can.

The European Union Laid Bare by a Spare Part

If it’s not the WIFI, it’s la climatisation.

This summer when we arrived at Bellevue, our home in Antibes, I clicked my heels when the little green checkmark appeared on my iPhone beside the name of our WIFI network. It worked! The WIFI actually worked – three, whole, little crescent-shaped arcs of it! It had survived all nine months of our absence!

As Philippe, Lolo and I heaved our suitcases up the circular marble staircase at the core of Bellevue’s frame, though, we realized all was not well. Somehow it never is when we return. We’d failed to notice it during those first jubilant moments through the doorway, but the air inside the house was notably dense.   The air-conditioning – the Rolls Royce of a system that we installed a year and a half ago – was bust.

Mais Mr. Marc vient de la nettoyer! our estate agents insisted on the other end of the telephone line. Mr. Marc just cleaned it! It worked on Friday!

Unfortunately it was no longer Friday. It was Saturday.

The gauges were stuck way off their target.
The gauges were stuck way off their target.

Someone managed to locate Mr. Marc – despite the high jinx of Euro 2016 consuming the country – and the stocky man with a crew cut and gold neck chain arrived later that evening to play with the control panel in Bellevue’s basement. (It is this extraordinary service that landed Mr. Marc his sudden, and now enduring, job in the first place.)

Sunday afternoon he returned, having studied the instruction manual. No joy.

The landscaping is looking especially lovely in Antibes’ old town this early summertime.
The landscaping is looking especially lovely in Antibes’ old town this early summertime.

There have been other occasions when la clim has worried us. Normally the system breaks down when temperatures in the South of France stretch to the heavens, or when guests are imminently arriving, or more likely both. But this summer’s beastly heat had yet to arrive in the region. It was beach weather, for sure, but Antibes’ flowers were still in their lushest and most vibrant bloom.

Mr. Marc sent his son and another colleague to Bellevue on Monday. The young men made a day of it. They purged the machine of its water and air bubbles and any other possible hiccups. They reprogrammed it. No luck. Then they tore the whole thing apart, piece by piece.

The young specialists drained and burped and reprogrammed la clim machine.
The young specialists drained and burped and reprogrammed la clim machine.

Nous avons trouvé un défaut, the son told me on the way out that evening. It was a needle sunk into the intricate and unwieldy Rolls Royce of a haystack, but they found a problem. They promised to order a new part.

Ordering a new part is never a good omen in France. Combien de jours pensez-vous que nous l’attendons? I asked. How long until we receive it?

The young man shrugged his shoulders. He didn’t know – but it only would be quelques jours, he thought. Later this week. Not too long.

Philippe and I knew we were in good hands with Mr. Marc, who always will remain Mr. Marc to us. He’s not a formal-looking guy, with scruffy chin, rounded belly, and casual uniform of shorts and t-shirts, but the relationship will remain a formal one. We’ll never be privy to his first name.

Mr. Marc landed a job at Bellevue when our first air-conditioning specialist fired us. La climatisation had been our enduring nemesis since we renovated the villa and moved in nearly a decade ago. In those early days the system clanged all day (and all night) long. It was as if we’d taken delivery not only of Bellevue, but also of her ghostly occupant who wanted out, now, of the big metal box in the basement. Some years later I discovered that la clim had gifted us with a graceful water feature that trickled from the ceiling of the pigeonnier, the round attic room where I often work. Shortly afterward it brought us an impressive waterfall that plunged through the electrical sockets in the ceiling at Bellevue’s front door.

That was the precise moment when our first air-conditioning pro was off sailing for the weekend, so our estate agents found Mr. Marc as an emergency back-up. Long story short, once the first specialist discovered someone else had touched his handiwork, he refused to return. He fired us.

Philippe rings Mr. Marc this afternoon. Any news?

Oui et non. He planned to get la pièce from the manufacturer’s store in Saint-Laurent-du-Var.

That’d be good news. The town is only 20 kilometers from Antibes.

But the store didn’t have the part. They had to order it from their shop in Belgium. Delivery would take eight days.

Mr. Marc asked the manufacturer whether they could deliver the item express – Fedex, DHL, whatever.

Non, they didn’t do express deliveries. It would take eight days.

This sort of cooperation makes me marvel at the whole European Union project. How can the very same company, working within two EU countries, fail to cooperate as an efficient unit? And how can this be the case when the countries in question are hardly Sweden and Greece, polar opposites in the supposed political and economic union, but Belgium and France, two neighbours who share not only a border but also a common language?

That said, it was precisely Belgium and France who fought over the seat of the European Parliament all those years ago. The outcome, of course, was far from efficient: Today the EU has two Parliament buildings, one in Belgium and one in France, along with the associated travails of uprooting its Parliamentarians and all their hangers-on and plastic trunks to the alternate headquarters every month – before everyone and everything is transferred back again, socking EU taxpayers with a bill of around $170 million every year.

Maybe express delivery between Belgium and France was too much to expect.

Mr. Marc got la pièce by hook or by crook.
Mr. Marc got la pièce by hook or by crook.

But the French always seem to have ways of getting around the rules. Perhaps this attribute helps them cope with all the madness. One day it might even help circumvent the risk of Frexit.

Mr. Marc is resourceful. He won’t wait eight days for the Belgians. He might even suspect that the Belgian arm of the company doesn’t have the part either. Who knows, the Belgians might be buying time to source la pièce from Great Britain.

Our clim specialist has concocted an alternative route. The shop in Saint-Laurent-du-Var has a machine similar to ours. Who knows the source of this box – perhaps a showroom model, perhaps the working unit that cools the factory floor, or possibly even a broken piece of equipment in the repair shop from the Dubois family’s home up on the hill. Whatever the story of this machine, the shop agents agree to rip out the critical part and hand it over to Mr. Marc’s team.

Mr. Marc arrives at Bellevue later this afternoon. He extends a meaty hand. He has la pièce, a fist-sized black-and-gold cylinder on the end of a short pipe.

But it’s not the real pièce, our air-conditioning specialist says. “C’est une adaptation.” He hopes it will work. In eight days’ time he will reverse the process, extracting l’adaptation from our box for insertion back into the machine in Saint-Laurent-du-Var, and fitting our clim with la pièce from Belgium – or wherever it comes from in the end. With that, Mr. Marc scurries to the basement to join two of his young colleagues who already have arrived.

Even the pros sometimes read the fine print.
Even the pros sometimes read the fine print.

The trio bang around with pipes and monitors in the basement and outside, too, at the long, metallic side of the Rolls Royce. They unscrew its panels to check the connections and meters. At one point I actually see the crew pull out a manual.

Oui, il descend,” one of the young guys says cautiously as he looks at a circular gauge. The dial is fluttering in the right direction.

Shortly, as I type this post at Bellevue’s dining room table, I hear a faint whoosh of air in the ceiling vents. A trickle of cool dusts my shoulders. Thanks to French ingenuity, we could be in business.

Now I have just one remaining thought: I hope the WIFI holds up.